Wed
Apr
18
I thought you were the one, for a moment.
But then I found out that the sparkle in your eyes wasn’t love, it was anger.
Your jokes were never funny, because they weren’t jokes after all.
Insecurities provoked you to exaggerate people’s flaws; threaten them, abuse them, make them gag on indignation. You choked on tears when I said I was leaving. I held my tongue when you asked if I’d be back.
Sat
Mar
31
I’m being followed by mirrors
distorted reflections of strangers and friends
they are with me when I sleep,
when I wake,
when I breathe.
They are always haunting me.
Sun
Aug
28
How am I supposed to feel about this? When you think you meant something to someone, when you think it’s hard for them without you, when you think, and you know, that you’re done falling apart, but suddenly you are, then what do you do?
I thought I meant something to you. And here I am, on my own again, crying in my bedroom just like I used to. Crying over you, just like I used to. It’s been a long time since I did that. Not since the night you grabbed me and wouldn’t let me go.
I guess by now, you’ve learned to let me go.
Thu
Jun
9
Close your eyes and try to remember a time when you laughed easily with him. Smiled at him with not only your lips, but your eyes. Woke up in his arms and felt like he was forever. He was the past, the present, and the future. He was now. He was yours, he was Always.
You can’t. You can’t do it. Because after every smile there were tears. For all the nights together, there were more nights apart. Nights spent clutching onto words that weren’t sincere. Forgiving ones that broke your heart. Nights spent crying into your pillow, hoping you wouldn’t wake up. Knowing that you would. Knowing nothing would be better, but you would try to make it. For him. Hundreds of nights.
Try to resist the temptation to scream, to slam your fists right through the glass. Resist the anger flowing through your veins, pumping venom into your heart. Tell him you love him, that everything’s okay. To make him feel whole. Ignore the knife carving away at your stomach, twisting and turning, bleeding out your emotions while you lie helplessly on the floor. Do not scream, because it will wake the neighbors.
You will do anything to make the pain stop, anything but leave him. Because he is always, he is forever. He is everything.
But you are nothing. You were nothing to him all along.
Tue
Jun
7
We were standing on the beach looking out at rotondo, sam, niko, &maybe kev in the water..it was getting late in the day so the waves were getting more&more powerful, it was dangerous but they did it often. we were talking about them when a giant wave came up &tried to swallow them but you could see them under the surface fighting to stay in place. i thought theyd be gone for good. ro was bouncing up and down like a kangaroo.
and now i’m awake
March 31, 2011. 10:02 AM (Amelia)
I think i dreamt we all lived on a farm. Everything was so green, and some friends were over. I was talking to them about Robert and how I remembered when he was a baby. I took out photos and flipped through, I was my age now or a little younger but he was a few months old, then a toddler, then robert. And I remembered taking care of him. I know karin was in it at some point but i dont know how I felt about her. It was interesting. Did you mangodream?
March 2, 2011. 12:50 PM (Seimi)
I was workin for the mob in my dream, just as a little errand girl. I saw all the things they did to people, and i had to mail a letter for one of them. It was raining. He told me to go get a stamp and run back, gave me 10 cents but i thought itd only cost 8. i said wait, i think i have some, and he got mad. said, just go buy a stamp and RUN BACK. so i went. in dc next to official buildings where they were doing some ceremony. a lady let me in. aj and devin were in there..devin had a striped hoodie on, hood up, and came and gave me a piggy back ride down the stairs. you marina sarah and elaine…and elaines class who were singing for the event. i said i had to go, i was on a job. i was getting scared cause he wanted me to come back quickly. you&marina talked about blowing off work and wouldn’t let me leave. there were 2 dogs that kept licking me. i started running back, rob&joe kinney were there somewhere. and judy, she’d tattooed her left wrist. i was getting my stuff out of your purse&my cell phone had a voicemail..from the boss. He was impressed that i ran away. but the last thing he said was We wont be waiting in the shadows—we’ll be there in the dark. so i hung up and knew the damage was done. i was dead. i contemplated going back and making up a story..but i knew they wouldn’t buy it. oy vey. and now i’m awake. it took me a while to realize it was a dream and i’m not really screwed. i was so relieved
March 29, 2011. 10:24 AM (Seimi)
Tue
May
31
When you are a mother and have children, do not treat them like this. Do not criticize every single thing they do. Do not make them feel stupid. Do not make them feel like they are on their own. Do not humiliate them in front of other people, or alone. They will not trust you. They will not tell you everything. They will not invite you into their lives. They will still love you, but they will not feel whole. They will still love you, but they may hate themselves for never feeling good enough for you. They will feel guilty about resenting you for what you have done to them.
Love them unconditionally.
Fri
May
27
This morning I opened my eyes and saw my mom standing in the doorway. She was looking at me so I said, “good morning”. She just kept looking at me and shook her head and walked away. I wonder what I did.
I forgot my dreams.
Dana Brand, you were the sweetest man.
You may not know how lucky we were to have you in our lives,
but these tears fall because
you are unforgettable.
Sun
May
15
Neighborhoods will try to dream
While you and me we hold and lean
Onto bodies slick and charged
Together just one beating heart
All around us quiet now
We hear the leaves fall to the ground
Morning light upon our bed
An ally while I catch your breath
There is no easy way to do this, there is no one word answer. I love you, that will never fade. I know you still want to save us. I hear it in every word, every breath. Every breath. And when you start to cry, it sounds like you’re beginning to realize…this is a new beginning. What we had is in the past. Every morning will bring us further away from that, and closer to something brighter. Something more beautiful.
And when we get there, we’ll smile again.
We were both crying. I said, “I’m sorry it has to be like this.”
click
my phone went dead.
